It’s your choice, take it or leave it.

It’s your choice, you better believe it.

Does anyone else remember that irritating gameshow that was on CCV (for that matter does anyone remember the channel CCV?) years and years ago. It featured the boere-Pamela Anderson – Patricia Lewis – and some guy who always wore a beanie and was always as excited as Steve Hofmeyr when his wife isn’t at home. In a nutshell, the show consisted of contestants choosing the prize that was in front of them, for example a R30 toaster, or what was behind door #4. That normally consisted of a R20 toaster.

This is the last photo of her on this blog ever, I swear

I’m bringing this up (no pun intended to “He who must not be named”) because we are facing an extremely difficult choice as South Africans at the moment. Before 2008 the most difficult choice put before all of mankind was “Are you a Beatles fan or an Elvis man?” Before you answer that one in a hurry, think about it. You can only have one…But after the Super 14 of 2008 an even more difficult choice has popped into my head. The debate on no.8 has completely overshadowed the US elections around braais around South Africa in recent weeks. If you think 300 million Americans had a tough choice between Barrack Obama and that old, bald dude, it’s nothing compared to Pierre Spies vs. Ryan Kankowski. No other country in the world has the problem we are fortunate enough to have in selecting an eighthman for our Springboks. The talent, power, skill and X-factor ( I hate that word. It’s my 3^rd most hated word after “7de” and Laan) these two players possess.

Before the World Cup I felt Spies was on his way to becoming the rugby world’s superstar. I thought the World Cup was his for the taking. Surely he would run over Johnny Wilkinson, do a 360 degree turn and run over him again. Surely he would sidestep Dan Carter on the way to the World Cup winning try, rip off his one nipple and put it in his pocket as a 2007 momento. But sadly, after illness ended his dream of winning the World Cup and selling Dan’s nipple on Ebay, Spies has struggled to regain his form. And a Russian sounding Shark has given us his view of what an all round 8^th man should be. The skill and speed shown by Kankowski in the Super 14 and Currie Cup has been second to none. In my opinion Kanko is the better no.8 and I would choose him for team reasons. He is a better link between the pack and the backs than Spies is. He would be able to create half gaps and put Schalk and Juan Smith into gaps with his supreme ball handling skills. And on current form he beats Spies in most departments. The only reason I’m still doubting who should start is… Do you remember what Spies did to England last year? So we know what he can do. It seems Spies needs confidence to play a good game. If that’s all that is wrong, sign him up for a local under 9 game in Edinburgh and let him score 10 tries, just get his confidence up again. Or tell him he’s the best player in the world all day long.

Kankowski for the first 60 minutes and Spies, with his extra speed, for the last 20 is what I would choose instead of the current way we’re going about it. It’s the most difficult question I’ve heard since Homer Simpson asked Ned Flanders, “Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot that He Himself could not eat it?” If you were the person in charge of selecting the Bok starting team for Saturday, who would you start at 8? Let me ask that in another way. If you had a moustache, looked like Asterix and spoke in a helium based voice, would you pick Spies or Kankowski?

I think I’ll go for Kankowski, please Patricia.

After the conclusion of Springbok Saga I have compiled a team that I think is the best Springbok team covering the years 1995 – 2007. Firstly I would just like to say that I really hope that Dan Retief and Supersport bring out this series on dvd. It’s great to have such an important part of our rugby heritage documented for future generations. They did a wonderful job in bringing this to us in a very well edited series.

Of course post 1995 means no Danie Gerber and no Naas Botha. Picking this team is pretty hard especially the flank and centre positions. I also found it very difficult to leave players out like Bakkies Botha and Fourie du Preez, who would definitely make it onto the bench and would definitely feature in a lot of peoples’ Springbok XV’s.

Please let me know what you think and where you would make changes.

15. Percy Montgomery

14. James Small

13. Jacques Fourie

12. Jean de Villiers

11. Bryan Habana

10. Henry Honiball

9. Joost vd Westhuizen

8. Gary Teichman

7. Andre Venter

6. Schalk Burger

5. Victor Matfield

4. Mark Andrews

3. CJ van der Linde

2. John Smit ( C )

1. Os du Randt

I am dedicating this post to someone who has recently decided to quit his job. Someone who I really, really do not like. Someone who I can with all honesty say that Robert Mugabe would have done a better job had he been appointed in his position. Hell, Ricky January would have done a better job than this idiot did Sunday morning at 4AM.

Norman Arendse has decided to resign as president of Cricket South Africa. He was appointed until 2010, not that he would have lasted that long. His tenure would have ended later this year where he would have lost the election to dr. Mtutuzeli Nyoka after losing the faith of South Africa’s provincial unions. Obviously they couldn’t understand his decisions anymore either.

In a tear-jerking statement read out by Arendse, he said that he had decided to retire after the relationship between him and CEO Gerald Majola had become irrepairable and did his best to play the victim. The truth is Norman, you quit because there is no chance you would have won the next election simply because you were shit at your job. You have been worked out of your position by Cricket South Africa because you were shit at your job and you should stay as far away as possible from cricket, because you were shit at your job.

Arendse famously vetoed the selection of Andre Nel – ranked 20^th in the world at the time – and chose to include Charl Langeveldt – ranked 96th in the world – for the tour to India. The decision caused mayhem in South African cricket circles and very nearly lead to the retirement of Andre Nel. It also put so much pressure on Charl Langeveldt, who did not want to play in a team where he wasn’t good enough that he did decided to retire from international cricket. Langes was our best ODI bowler and would have made a difference in our recent series hammering at the hands of England. So the player who came off the worst out of the fiasco was Langeveldt. After retiring from international cricket he decided to forge a career in county cricket and he is currently one of the top wicket takers in England and earning praises from all over.

Arendse claims he was heart broken after hearing of the back stabbing going on behind the scenes to get rid of him. That’s how we, the public and supporters, felt when the Proteas were put out of a 20/20 World Cup that we really should have won. I remember when we played England in the tournament the commentators from England – I think it was David Lloyd and Geoff Boycott were talking about Vernon Philander. Loydd commented that he looked an interesting prospect and that he could certainly bat and bowl a bit. Boycott replied with, “Definitely isn’t better than Jacques Kallis.” Because yes, Old Norman was also responsible for the decision to leave Kallis out of our 20/20 tournament last year. How do you leave the most valuable player in the world out of ANY tournament? And when SA needed 116 from 20 overs simply to make it through to the next round against India, who would you have wanted to come in to bat at no. 3?

The truth is Norman, you allowed your ego to come in the way of your job. You never had South African Cricket’s interests at heart. Funny that the relationship between the players and the union hasn’t been as good as it is now for ages. With the exception of Arendse of course. The players don’t like him and netiher does his own board members. All of the best to Gerald Majola, who I think is doing a great job as CEO, and to dr. Mtutuzeli Nyoka, you don’t really have a lot to improve on so it won’t be too difficult, but I’m sure you’ll do a great job. To Mr. Arendse, all I have to say is goodbye and fuck you. At least you can only improve the state of swimming in this country that you have recently been appointed to do. If you’re at the bottom, the only way you can go is up.

The past two weeks in the Tri Nations featured New Zealand and Australia playing each other in home and away games. The Convicts took the first game by 15 points before those guys who wear the Gothic clothes and do that dance before the game, returned the favour by whipping the Aussies by 21 points this past weekend. Before this past Saturday everyone was talking up the Aussies and some people in the media made it seem like the AB’s had as much chance of winning the match as Paris Hilton has of winning the US elections. After watching these two games, I have reached the following conclusions and I will now bestow my knowledge upon thee…

1) This is the toughest and tightest Tri Nations we have witnessed for years. The margin for error seems so small, that if one team relaxes for a few seconds, the other team punishes them instantly – think back to Dunedin and Ricky January.

2) Home advantage is huge. Winning at home has become the norm with the only exception thus far being New Zealand – think back to Dunedin and Ricky January. This bodes well for the Springboks too, who are probably placed the best of all the teams at the moment, with all their home games still to come.

3) Teams tend to run out of steam if they play three weekends in a row. Both teams who have played 3 in a row, seriously faded away towards the end of the second halves of their 3^rd game. Keep this in mind with the Boks playing Argentina this weekend, followed by the three Tri Nations Tests on consecutive weekends.

4) A week is a long time in rugby. All three teams have been spoken of as probable winners and probable last-comers-in-the-competitioners. And two of the three teams’ speculative positions in the competition have swayed to the extremes in the matter of a week.

5) And finally… Watching Test match rugby without the Springboks playing is a bit like watching gay porn. They do their best to convince us all that it’s still Test rugby, but we all know there is something seriously missing. Sorry for that horrible metaphor – I probably just gave my father the shock of his life. Dad, just think back to Dunedin and Ricky January!!

But come Saturday, no more gay porn for us!! Our blood turns green once again as the Springboks take on Los Pumas at Coca Cola Park – that’s Ellis Park’s new name which cost Coke a cool R45 million. Poor old Ellis – whoever he was. The Argies have come to the land of the Bok with an under-strength team, leaving a few of their high profile players in France to continue teaching them how to play rugby. The match will be contested under new/newer than the older ones/ not quite brand new/but still newish rules – the rules currently being played in the Currie Cup and NOT the rules being played in the Tri Nations.

Maradona’s countrymen should not be underestimated however. After all they did finish above Australia and New Zealand in the World Cup. They are masters of playing ugly rugby and normally use their forwards to play the type of game that they want the opposition to play. Still, the Mighty Boks are fine tuning their game for the final home run of the Tri Nations. The Cup is in our own hands and all we need to do to win the Tri Nations, is win our three remaining home games. Easier said than done, I know. But all in all, I expect the Boks to win by 20 and Pierre Spies will score a try.

Jongi Nokwe gets his debut Test in place of the injured Habana. And Luke Skywatson comes in for Schalk. And in the front row it looks like BUUUUUUUUSSST!!!! has gone past Gurthro Steenkamp to acquire a starting birth. Whether he has passed him permanently, we’ll have to wait another week to see. One thing is for sure, the Puma scrum will test him on Saturday. On the bench, PdV has sent Ruan Pienaar and Frans Steyn to their provinces to get a full game under their belt before they’ll return to the squad next week. Fourie du Preez and Jacque Fourie return to the team after long injury lay-offs. They will both be vital players in the upcoming Tests. Add them to Joe van Niekerk (49 caps) and Old Percy (98 ) and we probably have the most experienced bench in our history.

Here’s the full team:

15-Conrad Jantjes, 14-JP Pietersen, 13-Adrian Jacobs, 12-Jean de Villiers, 11-Jongi Nokwe, 10-Butch James, 9-Enrico Januarie, 8-Pierre Spies, 7-Juan Smith, 6-Luke Watson, 5-Victor Matfield, 4-Bakkies Botha, 3-CJ van der Linde, 2-Bismarck du Plessis, 1-Tendai Mtawarira.

Reserves: 16-Adriaan Strauss, 17-Brian Mujati, 18-Andries Bekker, 19-Joe van Niekerk, 20-Fourie du Preez, 21-Jaque Fourie, 22-Percy Montgomery.

In a few hours’ time, The Proteas start the 3^rd Test against England in Birmingham. It’s not a must-win Test, but the closest you could probably get to one without being one, if that makes sense. The Proteas only need a draw from this Test to ensure a share of the spoils for the series. But that’s not what we want. We want a series win!! We want to conquer the fish and chip eaters like they conquered South African shores and the Bushmen back in 1795. The only difference being we don’t want to lose against The Dutch a few years later.

When Andrè’s mother wouldn’t buy him an ice cream, he started throwing a tantrum

If Graeme Smith and his boys go in for the kill and leave the “fourth most visited city by foreign visitors in the UK” (useless Birmingham fact #1), they will leave it with an unassailable lead and with a series victory intact. Hell, after pummelling the Poms in the city that hosted the G8 summit in 1998 ( #2 ), we can select Penny Heyns and Nataniel for the final test at the Oval as we would have become the first South African team to take a series victory in Little Britain for 43 years! Sure a little thing called Apartheid is probably the reason that it has been 43 years, but 43 years is a long time. 43 years is the amount of time Riaan Cruywagen has been reading the news on television. Sure, the television hadn’t made it’s appearance in South Africa until long after that, but we all know Riaan Cruywagen sat at his desk in Auckland Park reading the news every night at 8pm while he waited for the invention of television. 43 years ago people were still eating raw meat and standing in queues hadn’t been invented yet.

So this morning, when Smith leads his men out in the city that was named the third best place in the United Kingdom to locate a business ( #3 ), we need to launch an all out attack on England. We need Makhaya to lead the bowling attack from the front, Morne Morkel to pull another big performance out of his floppy hat. Dale Steyn’s injury is a big loss, but South Africa is the best equipped in the world to deal with such a loss. We simply bring in Andre Nel and we need Gunther to make a big, dramatic and aggresive appearance and get under the English’s sun-depraved, white-as-milk skins. Nel needs to bowl full and swing it late to compliment the other two in the attack who are more hit-the-deck bowlers. Michael Vaughn couldn’t buy a run in the previous 3 innings and he must be reminded that he isn’t just Dale Steyn’s bunny. Our bowlers will be waiting in line to have a go at him. We need our batsmen to all stand tall and show what they can do. What a time to hit your first double hundred Jacques Kallis!! The last time Graeme Smith went out to bat in the city that was the host for the first ever Cricket World Cup, a Women’s Cricket World Cup in 1973 (#4), he scored 277 – his highest Test score to date. My predictions for our batting is that Graeme Smith and Neil McKenzie will score hundreds in this Test. And this prediction is based on 100 %, absolute guess work that jumped to my mind during the last 10 seconds. Smith has performed well as captain in the series with bowling changes and field placings. The way he handled the media and gave England a few psychological problems and started with the mind games the day before the Test, shows how he has matured as a captain with experience. Smith has had to deal with more controversies off the field than probably any other international captain in his five years in charge and he was quick to point out what an effect the current selection dilemma England are struggling with, could have on a team.

Come on Proteas!!! Do it for all South Africans who are younger than 43 years!!

After a commanding performance from the Proteas in the 2^nd Test, they lead the series 1 -0. After a disappointing effort in the 1^st Test at Lord’s the all out seam attack of the Proteas finally showed what they could do. The scary thing for England is that this was nowhere near how good they can be. I reckon the best is yet to come. And let’s all hope that it happens in the 3^rd Test starting next Wednesday.

No matter how the team tried, they coundn’t get Kallis

to bend his legs.

AB de Villiers scored a superb 176 and showed how he has matured over the years and is now able to play a composed innings as well as an attacking one if it is required of him. What England wouldn’t give to have batsmen who can read the game and what is required of them and actually do it too. We showed them how to bat out a Test match at Lord’s with McKenzie, Amla and Smith all scoring slow, time-consuming hundreds. And at Headingley, again our batting proved superior to England’s, with the Proteas top 6 showing England how to bat in their own conditions where it is of vital importance of knowing where your stumps are and knowing when to leave the ball is crucial. England played at many deliveries they weren’t supposed to and all the catches taken by the slips and the 9 by Mark Boucher are testimony to this and the good line our bowlers kept bowling. Ashwell Prince also batted extremely well for his 149. He was intent on staying out in the middle and worked hard for his runs in the beginning and started to flourish later on. Difficult to believe that the only batsman who struggled for runs before the 1^st Test is now our leading scorer. On that subject isn’t it strange that our top 6 have all fired with the exception of a certain Jacques Kallis. Not that this worries me in the least. Kallis will come good some time and I don’t really care if he scores any runs for the next year. He has, in fact, underlined his worth to the the team by picking up the most valuable of wickets in the bowling department. Kallis doesn’t run in like a steam train the way he used to. He doesn’t take the amount of wickets he used to either. But he can contain from one side and he does pick up the odd wicket now and then. What makes him even better is who he gets out when he takes a wicket. It’s always a big player or a big partnership he breaks. And who did Graeme Smith turn to when Kevin Pietersen walked to the middle. This perception probably only exists in my mind, but I reckon Kallis is the one person in the South African line up that has a better record than KP. And when Kallis exchanged a few words, I just think it got under the skin of KP and he wanted to prove himself. Kallis had put out the bait and when Pietersen pushed a bit too hard and too attackingly at a gentle outswinger, it was hook, line and sinker for Kallis. Let’s see in the rest of the tour if Smith continues to call up Kallis when it’s KP’s turn to bat. And let’s pray it keeps working.

You put your left foot in… Morne Morkel

shows Andrew Flintoff how to do the Hokey Pokey

The only slight worry I have with our Protea team is the quota players. Quota player – players not good enough to play at a certain level but are put/kept in the team because of outside circumstances. Now before you stop reading. I’ll never write about politics in my column. I love our guys all playing in England with such a good representation of our country and that all of them deserve their place in the team completely. The quota player I’m referring to is Paul Harris. I think we’re simply playing him for the sake of having a spinner in the team. Because we might one day need a spinner to bowl a team out. But Harris doesn’t look like taking a wicket. I’d rather play Andre Nel to be honest. Harris didn’t really turn the Indians into a knot when we played there either. They say he is a containing bowler. He’s not there to take wickets. Firstly, there are so many better containing bowlers in South Africa. Secondly, for most of the two Tests, he had the most expensive figures of everyone. Thirdly he doesn’t even bowl a total of 20 overs in a Test. And finally, Paul Harris can’t turn a cricket ball. I really think that Harris is simply there because our lack of a spinner has cost us in the past. Rather play Johan Botha or Thandi Tshabala who at least have a slight chance of taking a wicket in an innings. Shit, rather play Goggo Adams who is more of a threat than Harris even if Adams can’t bowl two balls on the same side of the pitch. At least Adams’s frog-in-a-blender action, might confuse a batsman for long enough to not play a shot. I don’t know. He’s a very nice guy so I really hope he proves me wrong and at least ties up one end or convinces one of the English batsman to give him his wicket. Maybe he and Stuart Broad could come to some deal that they give up their when the other one is bowling. It could only improve both of their figures. Please post a comment if you think he is worthy of his place. Maybe you can change my opinion.

Mark my words – the Poms will come back in this series. The easy part is over – come on, we all knew we were gonna go 1 – 0 up in the series. That is why we need to finish this series off with a win in the next Test. A draw simply won’t suffice. We need our bowling as sharp as ever and our batting as steady as it has been and put them under early pressure. We got them good in the Rugby World Cup. Next week we can take an unassailable lead in the cricket and after that Bafana can take on Beckham and Lampard in the soccer.

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The All Black Haka from left to right: 1) You’re the captain of the first
All Black team to lose a home game in 30 Tests, 2) You’re playing in your second Test
and against Bakkies Botha and Victor Matfield – it’s gonna be a long 80 minutes
from here on in, 3) You’re only lasting 25 minutes in this match and 4) You’re
gonna be chip-kicked over for the match winning try. Good Photo!!

Nonu gets a McSchalkBurger

Adi Jacobs defied a lot of his critics by standing his man on defence and
doing pretty well on attack. Didn’t I say What will happen if Adi runs at Nonu?

Gameplan: Get Carter. Dan the Man has said afterwards that he is very
happy to see the Brutal Springboks leave Lord of the Rings Country.
That’s how we like it.

Oh Bakkies… What skill. What panache. A certain genesequa.

Proof that Luke Watson DID do something on the field while he was there.

Sione Luaki goes over for the “match-winning try”.

Now for those of you/us/basically any South African
that know nothing about rugby, SANZAR would like us to believe
that this is not a high tackle!!

But of course, this is.

And the guilty player thoroughly deserves to be sent off for the last 10 minutes of the match.
But only if the player is wearing a green jersey. The debate is still open about whether the
player should be shot.

But of course, Ricky doesn’t care. He throws the dummy, shows Carter how to do the chip-kick, and
is mobbed by his teammates while still in the air en route to the crowd silencer.

The Boks congratulate each other after successfully defending their lead and becoming the first SA team to win at The House of Pain. Well, all of them do, except Bakkies who just couldn’t take his eyes off the Castle blimp flying over the stadium. But how does it stay in the air? he asked Matfield.

Referee Matt Godard quickly put the bribe he received for sending Matfield off the field in his pocket and left the stadium as the Boks continued celebrated beating the All Blacks with 14 men.

Colgate smilles all around.

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